Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry ? A hoppercraft !
What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Whats the definition of love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with r the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Balloon ! Balloon who ? Balloon velvet !
Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? "Well, doggone !"
What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner? Cow chow!
What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!
The transatlantic liner was experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling well. "Would you care for some more supper, ma'am?" asked the steward. "No, thanks," replied the wretched passenger. "Just throw it overboard to save me the trouble."
A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband, doctor, " she said. "He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "