Why is it so wet in Great Britain? Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.
Why did the music student have a piano in the bathroom? Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.
What's big and grey and protects you from the rain ? An umbrellaphant !
Droopy Drawers by Lucy Lastic
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brigham ! Brigham who ? Drigham back my sunshine back to me... !
Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!
What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle? The road.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
1st Roman Soldier: What is the time ? 2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII !
The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. "Now, Mr. Jenkins," the nurse practitioner warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt." The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!" Silence Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas ? A ladder in her stocking !
Policeman: Why are you driving without a license? Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.
Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in 2000.
How do Religious Education teachers mark exams? With spirit levels.
A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on fire!"
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.
Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk? Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.