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Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend? Long time no sea.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Barrister ! Barrister who ? Barristercratic !

Be careful never to let a blonde have a coffee break... It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the right row!

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face? I forgot to wet the soap.

I was in the zoo last week. Really? Which cage were you in?

Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan.

What do rodents say when they play bingo ? 'Eyes down for a full mouse' !

Teacher: Name two pronouns ? Pupil: Who ?, me ?

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Junkie Barbie ...complete with needle tracks

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

What did the parrot say when he saw a duck? Polly want a quacker!

Definition: Politics Poli (Poly): Many.... Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures

What do you get if you cross an eagle with a skunk? A bird that stinks to high heaven.

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.

How do you make a tissue dance ? Put a little boogie in it !