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What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle ? Your great-ant !

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mo ckery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog? A fangfurther.

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

What is the dogs favourite city ? New Yorkie !

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead.

What do you call a pig with no legs? A groundhog!

What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his broken down car? Stop beating a dead hearse!

How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers, it's a male; if she answers, it's female.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright.

Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while studying. Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling !

What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen ? A viper !

Why did the internit paint his computer screen in little black and white squares? He wanted to check his e-mail.

Waiter, there is a fly in my wine ! Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!

What did the snake say to the cornered rat ? Hiss is the end of the line for you !

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Disco Barbie ...dressed in chiffon; inclbiudes disco ball

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads

Why are astronauts successful people ? Because they always go up in the world !