You've failed history again ! Well you always told me to let bygones be bygones !
Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me? Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford? I did not have textual relations with that woman.
If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player ? The one in the sugar bowl !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Buddha ! Buddha who ? Buddha this slice of bread for me !
Eulus stood in front of the take-out window of a Rawl-ins fast food restaurant. "I want two hamburgers," he said. "One with onions, and one without." The counter man: "Okay. Which one's without the onions?"
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop. "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" she asked.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home ? 'Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!'
Why didn't the monster use toothpaste? Because he said his teeth weren't loose.
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.
OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!