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What is the best way to talk to a vampire? By long distance.

Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "You know what?" "What, dear?" his wife asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, how did the barbers arrive? On clipper ships.

"What were you before you came to school, boys and girls?" asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out, "Happy!"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

What does an octopus take on a camping trip? Tentacles!

Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road.

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Yo mamma's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Fred: Do you like my new hairstyle? Harry: In as much as it covers most of your face, yes.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone

Why did the elephant eat the candle ? For light refreshment !

How can you tell if someone who's having a temper tantrum is on the phone? You get a tizzy signal!