Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, "If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a set of drums.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chicken ! Chicken who ? Chicken your pockets - I think your keys are there !s
Knock Knock Who's there ! Billy Bragg ! Billy Bragg who ? Billy Braggs too much, tell him to stop it !
What do you call a cat wearing shoes ? Puss in boots !
Why does a dentist seem moody? Because he always looks down in the mouth.
Yo mamma is so fat when a bus hit her she said who threw the pebble.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde? A: She screams her own name when she comes.
I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.
Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said "Go forth and multiply" ? They couldn't, they were adders !
Which flavor ice cream is Dracula's favorite? Vein-illa.
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day? A forty-carrot wedding ring.
How do we know that hamburgers love classic music? They're often found at the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall!
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Why are pigs such great football fans? They're always rooting.
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations." "Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?" He said "about ten gallons."
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."