Q. Where does a fish keep his money A. In the River Bank!
Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road.
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter.
How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry ? A hoppercraft !
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going? Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.
Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!!!!
Q: What do little trees say on Halloween? A: Twig or treat.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.
Where do Eskimos keep their money? In snowbanks.
A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?" The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient." Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much t ime washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises." The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked. "Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands." The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?" The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
What do you call a man who opens the car door for you? A chauffeur.
Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
Why couldn't the cow leave the farm? She was pasteurized!
How do you communicate with a fish? You drop it a line!
What do Scottish owls sing? Owld Lang Syne.