Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm How boring for you!
A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
What goes "knio, knio?" A backward pig.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ben and Anna! Ben and Anna who ? Ben and Anna split!
What kind of money do fishermen make ? Net profits !
Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!
Laws of Accounting 1. Trial balances don't 2. Bank reconciliations never do 3. Working Capital does not 4. Return on Investments never will
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
Q. What does CHAOS stand for? A.The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student? One baits his hook, the other hates his book.
Why did the bank robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.
Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today." "What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em." "Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you calling from?"
Why are rabbits never gold? How would you tell them apart from goldfish?
The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?" "Not guilty" said the second defendant. "I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied. "I never said a word" the third defendant replied.
Why are false teeth like stars? Because they come out at night.
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"
First cannibal: My wife's a tough old bird. Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another half an hour.
Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing off'."
A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden." "Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?" "Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."