Q: What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.
Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A. He was feeling crummy!
What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!
Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the Internet? Click Whittington
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !
He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!
The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden? We're raising mashed potatoes.
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? He was the skipper!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ankansas ! Ankansas who ? Ankansas though any piece of wood !
What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan? It took ears off his life!
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: "It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision:"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000. "How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed. "So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up." "But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple. "If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply. "In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man. "What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!" "If yo u didn't use - that's your problem!"
Why did the ant-elope ? Nobody gnu !