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A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked. "An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians

Male secretary : "Feel free to use my dictaphone." New blonde employee : "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else."

How does an apple a day keep the doctor away? When you take careful aim.

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.

Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit ? So he could tell the time at night !

Q: Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge? A: In case she wanted black coffee.

Why are mosquitoes annoying? Because they get under your skin.

Where do fish wash ? In a river basin !

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout? A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane? A: I have my eye on you.

Garden Water Features by Lily Pond

Which burgers can tell your fortune? Medium burgers!

What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas? As little as possible, dummy!

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ? Because they're both full of stuffing !

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper ? You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant !

I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

What is a dog's favourite Easter treat? Jelly bones!

Which route should you take through the woods when riding a fizzy horse? The psycho-path!