A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"
School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a computer. My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right away! I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.
What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!
What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ? A phantomime !
They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight !
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!
Why was the broom late ? It over swept !
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant's!
What did the cannibal say to the explorer? ''Nice to meat you''!
Q: What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer? A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.
What is the hottest part of a man's face? His sideburns.
Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens? The SALT talks!
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says. "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
When can you dive in a swimming pool and not get your hair wet ? When your bald !
If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call it Fed UP?
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
I just spotted a Chihuahua! That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.