Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup ! No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one !
What do you call the ring that worms leave round the bath ? The scum of the earth !
There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself...the first old lady had a stroke...the second old lady had a stroke...but sadly the third old lady couldn't reach!!!
Where are most fish found ? Between the head and the tail !
Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother? Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Sumo Barbie ...comes with thong
Where do ants go for their holidays ? Frants !
Where do bad pigs go? They get sent to the pen.
Policeman: How can you say you don't have any outstanding tickets? Driver: They're all in the glove compartment.
Customer: Why is this sandwich half eaten? Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.
If you cross a telephone and a pair of scissors, what do you get? Snippy answers.
What is the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? They fasten their sheet (seat) belts.
What happened to the lost cattle? Nobody's herd.
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?" The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Where do cows like to live? St. Moo-is.
An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"
Salesman: That suit looks nice. It fits like a bandage. Customer: Thanks. I bought it by accident.
Who writes books for little bees ? Bee-trix Potter !
During the month of June and July. Here in the panhandle it got pretty hot in this area. In Fact people were even overworking in the heat. So one day I was working outside in the heat and then i thought i better get inside. My Boss asked me where i was going and i told him i am going inside to cool down . He said that i better get back to work. I said i cant, he said how come.? Because it is so hot out here that i have to go inside to change my mind.