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Why did the gray whale go on a diet? Because he wasn't a Fin whale!

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a lawyer!" The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."

Why did the tornado get arrested? -For speeding, theft, vandalism, assault and murder

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star. "Nothing," replied the assistant. "Nothing?" she asked, "but how can I look like a film star?" "Haven't you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?" replied the assistant.

Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween ? It was for 'tick or tweet' !

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted ? Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.

What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints? With a track-tor!

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

Read more Aardvark jokes

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant, sir!

Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."

How are men like carpet tiles? If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

Alsation: I'll see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay, but don't call me "Shortly!"

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.