What's a moo hoo for a darling bull? A dear steer!
Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads? She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Who was the world's greatest thief ? Atlas, because he held up the whole world !
What is a parrot's favorite game ? Hide and Speak !
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day? Rugs and kisses!
What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail? "That's the end of me!"
What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love? A stupid Cupid!
Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips." Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!"
What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls ? Reptiles !
What are you doing? I'm trying to call Washington! Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anna ! Anna who ? Annather brick in the wall !
You're a big Internet fan aren't you? Yes - it's becoming a habit!
Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up! Just simmer down!
My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!
Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors? Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.