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Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk? Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!

What's the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes? You can't mash Frankenstein.

What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.

Which dog tastes better when eaten? A hot dog.

Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Chin and Tony ! Chin and Tony who ? Chin and Tonyk !

Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: It's the leash I can do!

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was. 'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.' 'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously. 'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen prefer ? I.C. !

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide." "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."


What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar? Gimme a slug of whiskey.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds g reat," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling ugly faces. Doctor: Don't worry, I don't expect anyone will notice.

Why did the bareback performer ride his horse? Because it got too heavy to carry.

What is the vampire's favorite slogan? Please Give Blood Generously.

What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go, E we go!

Why did Rudolfo salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket? Because the label said General Foods.