Do you know the 20th President of the United States ? No, we were never introduced !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Agatha ! Agatha who ? Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin ?
Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat!
Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden? We're raising mashed potatoes.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics !
Why did the dog wear white sneakers ? Because his boots were at the menders !
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor ? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go !
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
Talbot and his son James were called to Mrs. Cren-shaw's classroom. "Mr. Talbot," said the teacher, "I asked James 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't do it!" "Well, teacher," said Talbot, "if my kid said he didn't do it he didn't do it!" Father and son left the school, and on their way home Talbot turned to the boy and asked, "Tell me, son, did you do it?" '
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.
How did the monster cure his sore throat? He spent all day gargoyling.
Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don't become polly-saturated!
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?" Fr om up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you."
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work." An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks." The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks." The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old. "So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked. "Of course not," the old man replied. "But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty."