Can you spell a composition with two letters? SA (essay).
What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest.
Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It was supposed to be in place last week!
Witch: Doctor, I can't help pulling ugly faces. Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that. Witch: It is when the people with ugly faces don't like them being pulled.
Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews: "Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine." "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p lane immediately." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..." Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults ac ting like children." Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!" As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Pl ease do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it."
Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Q. What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger ? A stri-ped !
Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again." John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!" Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive. About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?" "No," replies John. So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road. A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?" "No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory? You can hear a cough drop.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle exp lains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts!
If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet? Because it wasn't raining.
What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler? "Am I exhausted!"
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail !
What part of a football ground is never the same ? The changing rooms !
Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making ? Dad: Why is that, what are you making ? Pupil: Mistakes !
Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear? Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!