The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs. The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?" He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?" The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to death? He had a crush on her.
What will a monster eat in a restaurant? The waiter.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Chaz ! Chaz who ? Chaz nasty as you wanna be !
What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving? He gave tanks.
Diner: Waiter, please close the window. Waiter: Why, is there a draft? Diner: Yes, it's blown my steak off the plate three times.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker ? A bird that talks in morse code !
What is the strongest bird ? A crane !
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ? He had to get a new goat !
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
What song to snakes like to sing ? Viva Aspana !
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there an ything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
Who did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit? An exhorsist!
What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.