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A little monster was learning to play the violin,' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother. 'You should be on the radio,' said his brother. 'You think I'm that good?' 'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours? Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box !

Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality Well, you'd better both sit down then!

This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little S's painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

Why do dogs run in circles ? Because its hard to run in squares !

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch and didn't turn a hair! Second boy: I'm not surprised - your dad's bald!

A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her? It was a bright, sunny day.

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Microsoft Barbie ...Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.

What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!

Teacher: What is can't short for ? Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut !

How to Diet Successfully by M. T. Cupboard

Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school? Because two heads are better than one.

Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue? Why? Because I've been at my computer all day and I've got a splitting headache!

What do cows like to line dance to ? Any kind of moosic you like !

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians." Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.